Fran Rosa

30 January 2017

Pride

The Fuck Friend Zone: There's Benefits?

En español: Te quiero como follamigo: ¿Qué derechos tienes?

It seems like a good idea, having someone who is a friend and whom you can have a shag with. There is no romantic involvement so you remain free to find the love of your live. Why is not everyone doing it?

The origin of fuck friend

Fuck friends has no clear definition because it is defined by what it is not: it is not a boyfriend or a girlfriend, it is not a romantic partner, it is not a real relationship. It is used as a line differentiating your relationship with someone from what any person would expect from a romantic relationship, and also limiting how far a relationship can go.

Being a fuck friend means you are not going to make it, you are not enough, you are not the one. And you will never be so do not even try to make any advance on that direction. So it is basically an insult.

How to become a fuck friend

There is three ways into a fuck friends relationship.

From girlfriend or boyfriend to fuck friend: This is the hardest way, and it is the one that is closer to its original use. It is an attempt to downgrade a relationship taking away responsibilities and the chance to evolve into something more meaningful. It is a — usually selfish from one of the parts involved — desperate attempt to cut losses when a relationship is not working.

From friend to fuck friend: This is the ideal way, and it is almost unachievable. It will be the way to legitimise a situation when two friends have had sex and want to keep doing it without changing their friendship. It is, in my opinion, the only way to properly using the fuck friend term in a positive way, although you will be always putting your friendship at risk.

From nothing to fuck friend: This is very common on dating sites and apps, people looking for fuck friends. No matter how they rationalise it, it is a form of limiting a possible relationship to something not governed by the standards of a romantic relationship. Problem is that it is still defining itself in opposition to a romantic relationship and it is a demeaning way to put it.

Differences between a fuck friend and a boyfriend or girlfriend

People usually think that having no feelings are the main difference between a romantic relationship and a fuck friendship. This have no sense, because we all have feelings, and not only for our significant others. We have feelings for our family, friends, colleagues and acquaintances. There are differences regarding feelings though: accountability and reciprocity.

We are not accountable regarding our feelings towards a fuck friend. We can feel more or less attached to that person, but we do not need to be honest about it. Like we do with our friends, that can be closer or cooler over time without necessarily talking about it, fuck friends have no obligation to talk about that, to have the talk.

Also — and intimately related to accountability — is the obligation of reciprocity. You cannot force your girlfriend or boyfriend to love you back just because you love him or her but both are committed to the same goals and to be on the same page. With a fuck friend you can date other people pursuing a romantic relationship or have other fuck friends without any obligation.

Also there is the responsibility of caring for each other, which does not exist between fuck friends. If you can not make it tonight for a shag, you have no obligation, but do not explain me how you feel or what is happening to you. Because, you know, you are not my girlfriend/boyfriend.

Conclusion

With time more and more people are considering it as a type of relationship itself that is a respectable choice, given all parts agree to it. But to be honest, I think it is not. People looking for fuck friends are always drawing a line to separate that relationship from a romantic relationship, a real one. Meaning they believe romantic relationships are the real ones.

Most people practice a whole range of relationships beyond monogamy, and they goes to every level of attachment, responsibility, accountability or even definition — because the idea behind relationship anarchy, for example, is that every relationship should be not labeled and find its own way. But no one willing to care and respect — including self-respect — , and having responsible non-monogamous relationships would never agree to call themselves fuck friends.